The Pace Method. Small talk sucks, go real+honest.

Since our inception, Pace has run over 20,000 live video group sessions on the internet.

The Pace Method is the result. We’ve diligently integrated those 75min sessions and decades of human behavior research into an intentionally designed, live video experience that consistently works for human connection.

We have documented how and why it works in this page.

In doing so, we’ve learned that the Pace Method works universally in creating human connection in live conversation, on or off our platform. It’s a more connective way to talk and relate with total strangers, group members, and even longtime friends.

Most conversations in life are shallow out of convenience. Worse yet: most conversations on the internet – for many a primary medium of social interaction today – are meaningless ❤️’s or 👍’s. We believe, and have shown 10,000’s of times, that real human connection can be facilitated online.

The Pace Method is intentionally designed. Use it – on or off the internet – to feel more connected to others.

Why Human Connection?

The U.S. Surgeon General recent advisory about the country’s “loneliness epidemic”¹ legitimizes what many of us have noticed over the last decade – that the world is feeling more alone.

Despite advances in technology, such as 85% of US adults owning a smartphone in 2023², only 39% of adults in the U.S. said that they felt close connections with others³. The inadequacy of meaningful relationships has a tangible toll on our health – broadly speaking, it can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day⁴.

The Surgeon General calls for a “movement to mend the social fabric of our nation” that relies on destigmatizing loneliness and reimagining the way we develop healthy relationships. In particular, he calls out community and, central to Pace’s thesis, connection as key levers.

At its core, The Pace Method is designed to generate human connection with consistency and depth. It relies on two core premises:

Common Humanity: the premise that the context and details of human lives differ dramatically, but the emotional experience of being human is fairly consistent.

Emotional Relatability: And if a group of people can relate to that emotional experience in conversation with each other, they will then find understanding.

We believe consistently delivering human connection via the Pace Method is a scalable approach to addressing the epidemic of loneliness. After all, Pace members consistently refer to their groups, who they never knew before meeting on Pace: “a different kind of circle”, “my people”, and even “best friends.”

What Is Real+Honest?

In our view, the most critical step for a relationship to deliver human connection is simple to describe and hard to do. At Pace we call it “being Real+Honest”.

Most conversations in life are shallow and guarded. Witness the surface-level exchanges that happen between even longtime friends or family members when they are in conversation.

We explicitly eschew these surface-level exchanges at Pace. In their stead, every session starts with asking members to be “Real+Honest” (verbalized as ‘real and honest’).

So what is Real+Honest?

Some participants may consider “Real+Honest” as the Pace term for “vulnerable”, but we believe vulnerability is an important but insufficient explanation of “Real+Honest”.

Others may define Real+Honest as “the opposite of surface, fake, small talk”. That is not wrong, but still lacks definition.

We’ve heard from many that the ultimate litmus test for being Real+Honest in group is if the member feels discomfort and nervousness before saying something. If yes, that is probably Real+Honest.

But what is it?

Definition of Real+Honest

As we define Real+Honest, it consists of four distinct dimensions – and our primary Check In prompt asks for this from participants. The four dimensions:

1. Emotional Truth

Real+Honest first and foremost means the feelings that the participant is actually experiencing. Not the bright side. Not the euphemism. Not the stiff upper lip. The intention is to both prompt participants to precisely consider what emotions they are feeling, and also to communicate them in group.

Ignoring Emotional Truth might sound like… a member who is talking about a significant life challenge, but says, “I’m doing OK, it’s not too bad.”

2. Shit That Matters

Real+Honest also means talking about what carries significant weight and meaning in your life right now. By ‘right now’ it means both this very moment and in the short-term of your life. The result is that talking about what has Meaningful Weight also eliminates the common human pattern of compartmentalizing or hiding areas of your life that you’re unaccustomed to talking about with this group.

Ignoring Meaningful Weight might sound like… a member who is talking about the innocuous weather or some other part of their life instead of the challenge.

3. Unpolished Self

Talking in a Real+Honest manner also requires willingness to express the unpolished, unguarded, and even messy version of the communication. This is then permission to be one’s natural and authentic self in conversation. In the Pace Method, we aim for little to no separation between a participant and their authentic self in group.

Ignoring the Discarding of Polish might sound like… a member who talks about the challenge in formal, sanitized, and corporatized speech that is distant from their natural authentic self.

4. Also With Others

Lastly, none of the above have disclaimed the need to be Real+Honest in relation to what others are saying too, but given the importance of dialogue and conversation in group we believe it is important to call out that being Real+Honest categorically means doing so when in response to others in group. It means replying, commenting, and questioning others in group with discarded polish, meaningful weight, and emotional truth.

Ignoring being Relationally Active might sound like… sharing their own candid experiences in Real+Honest ways, but responding to others in platitudes and polished soundbites.

Real+Honest is both an adjective and an adverb in the context of the Pace Method – we ask for participants to “Share something Real+Honest (adjective)”, but also we say that members are “being Real+Honest”.

Role of Pace, Method and platform

Within the Pace Method, we both ask and motivate being Real+Honest. It is the critical modifier in our standard Check In prompt (“Share something Real+Honest.”) and we have found that participants generally “reward” the member who is being Real+Honest by inviting them to the Hot Seat. This happens naturally because it turns out the Real+Honest story is usually more compelling, interesting, and magnetic.

On the Pace platform, we have tools for participants to communicate to the group, other individuals, and even to themselves in Real+Honest ways. For example, participants enter session on the Pace platform and are asked to examine and then share emotions that they are currently feeling. This tool is meant to prime members to identify and then share both what is Emotional True and has Meaningful Weight to them.

Within the Pace Method, Real+Honest is the critical doorway to building connection amongst the group. It involves participants, but it also builds – members hearing something Real+Honest who then respond in a Real+Honest manner unlocks meaningful conversation and human connection. The purpose of the Pace Method is to surface what is Real+Honest with brevity and consistency.

Common Outcomes & Benefits

What do you get from The Pace Method? The trite answer is social connection. We can do better.

Cataloguing over 42,000 self-reported member outcomes collected digitally, and speaking in detail with hundreds of members, we’ve confirmed a common set of benefits.

Some are immediate – even in a first session with people you’ve never met, there are four common named benefits. Others are developing – requiring prior relationship or repeated application in a single group audience across many weeks.

Benefit	Common Expressions	Benefit Timeline
Catharsis	“relieved”, “shared”, “off my chest”, “heard”	Immediate
Hope	“hopeful”, “it can change”,“i’ll get through this”, “not forever”	Immediate
I’m Needed	“i’m needed”, “i helped”, “i should show up”, “people count on me”	Developing – multiple weeks
Personal Insight	“i didn’t realize”, “i never thought of that”, “think that comes from..”	Developing- multiple weeks
Perspective	“why didn’t you”, “i would have”,“did you think about”, “new ideas”	Immediate
Shared Humanity	“not alone”, “understood”, “not only one”, “that’s just like”, “we all”	Immediate
Togetherness	“together”, “my people”, “my team”, “close”, “connected”, “we”, “all of us”	Developing – multiple weeks

In addition to those seven (7) distinct benefits of The Pace Method, we also regularly hear two more common outcomes from members that we share to make clear that group is not always just unfettered benefit. Skilled facilitation and experienced time in groups can help groups channel these two into productive conversation:

Conflict. Conflict naturally occurs in groups, expressed or unexpressed, due to different life experiences, perspectives, and opinions. This is normal and we generally reframe conflict as a part of the process and not a negative result. Within the Pace live platform, facilitators and hosts are given tools to surface or address conflict as they see fit. The goal is to leverage conflict as a waypoint to one of the above benefits (i.e. Perspective or Personal Insight).
Discomfort. Participants often experience discomfort within The Pace Method as they’re faced with incisive questions or find themselves listening to emotionally-stirring stories. This is also normal. Within the Pace platform, facilitators and hosts are given tools and guidance to constructively respond and utilize discomfort within the group.

These nine outcomes (7 unequivocal benefits, 2 common waypoints) are most common via The Pace Method.

Overview: The Pace Method

I still remember our first Pace session. We gave our facilitator – an experienced psychologist – a vague roadmap and goal: kick off with some prompt (high/low of the week), open discussion, and wrap up so members walk out feeling connected in some way.

Fast-forward past 1000’s of sessions, and 10’s of iterations of refinement. Today a standard Pace group is well-understood and simple in agenda. It is also repetitive, explicitly not differing in core components from week-to-week. And that is all via a very well-researched design.

The first half of the Pace Method (23-37 minutes commonly) is structured. It can be visualized in the shape of the letter T, involving explicit breadth of member participation, followed by a meaningful deep dive into a single member’s experience. It is designed in this manner to balance three distinct intentions: Participation, Depth, and Brevity.

The second half is more or less unstructured. A flexible conversation that is intended for participants to (1) actively relate the first half to their own lives and perspectives, and (2) collectively jump off to discuss further threads. If the first half is shaped like the letter T, the second half is a fluid pool of conversation that fills in the experiences of others.

Balancing Participation, Depth, and Brevity to a T

Balancing Participation, Depth, and Brevity is one of the principle challenges that The Pace Method aims to solve.

i. Participation

Check In is a structured introduction period that aims to moderately engage every participant in the session. We aim for moderate engagement, as opposed to simple greetings and pleasantries, to drive participants past the standard greetings of their normal everyday lives. At times at Pace, we have talked about the importance of the first member sharing vulnerably – we’ve even cheekily called it TTV: Time To Vulnerability.

Read more about the intentional design of Check In below.

ii. Depth

The primary structural tool we utilize for exploring emotional depth with a single individual is a group AMA (Ask Me Anything) named as the (tongue-in-cheek) Hot Seat. Hot Seat allows the group to naturally drive the conversation deeper via their own curiosity about a single member’s human experience.

The plain-sight trick of course is that it explores not just the subject’s emotional experience, but also the questioning members via our core premise of Commonality.

Read more about the intentional design of Hot Seat below.

iii. Brevity

Given enough time, many human conversations will trend towards accomplishing both Participation and Depth. After all, humans forced into conversation by circumstance can only linger on small talk or a single speaker for so long.

The third goal of the Pace Method’s shape is to consistently deliver Participation and Depth within less than half of a time bound session of normal human attention. It isn’t a challenge to accomplish both in three hours; it is a challenge to accomplish both in 27 minutes +/- 6min.

Read more about how we accomplish brevity in the intentional design of Check In and Hot Seat below.

Guidance On Session Environment

As important as the general structure of the session is the environment of its execution. The Pace Method is meant to serve a small variety of group sizes and situations. Below is our guidance on the environmental conditions necessary to have effective sessions.

Environment	Guidance	Notes
Medium of communication	Live online video chat	– Live in-person is effective for strong prior relationships. Location constraints can make it inconvenient. – Live in-person is ineffective for groups with limited prior relationships because the fact that you will rarely run into strangers you meet on the internet in real life is a feature, not a bug. – The Pace Method is ineffective in audio-only online environments due to the bi-directional nature of our form of human connection. – Broadcast/stage environments are ineffective, turning a candid conversation into a performance.
Size of group	Maximum 10, minimum 4	– More than 10 members generally needs to be split up into multiple sessions to accomplish goals..
Hierarchy of group	1 Host/Facilitator participating fully	– Host-less structure can work well if a participant or a digital platform handles the logistics of session.
Duration	3-6 participants: 50+min 7-9 participants: 75+min 10+ participants: 90+min	– Aim is for 50+% of the time to be devoted to Discuss. This requires increased session time when Check In runs longer.
Cadence	Prior relationships limited: Weekly Prior relationships strong: Bi-weekly	– One of the strengths of The Pace Method is its increasing depth when utilized by the same group as they get to know each other more.

Intentional Design: Check In

Check In is the start of session in The Pace Method. It is designed to balance Participation and Brevity.

What Happens

Members are asked to “Share something real+honest^a.” This is an imperative^b prompt, not a question. This is the default prompt, other prompts are sometimes used.
Everyone responds^c to the prompt. Single mic^d; they are each the sole speaker during their time.
Each member has two minutes^e to respond to the prompt. Responding member chooses who goes next^f at the completion of their response.
- On the Pace platform, if the responding member does not pass the mic within 30 seconds of 2min, the next member is automatically chosen.
Other members respond using non-audio reactions^g.
- On the Pace platform, we’ve empirically seen that Heart, Exclamation Point, and a green dot implying Empathy are most common.

Why It Works

Active ingredient	Rationale
a. “Real+Honest”	– Unusual wording and phrase that requires no explanation. – Colloquial, proprietary verbiage for ‘vulnerable and forthcoming’. – Sets the tone for type of content that is to be discussed. – Quickly decreases the probability that responses are surface-level, context-driven or filtered.
b. Imperative, not question	– Creates a sense of community obligation to the group by imperative command. – Assumes that there are many “real+honest” things to share for everyone. – Effective every time given the broadness; at any time, there will be something that is real+honest for a person.
c. Everyone responds	– The group gets the benefit of hearing from every member. – No one lurks; each member starts the session off in an active way.
d. Single mic	– Consolidates attention. – Decreases distractions to increase the opportunity to learn something new.
e. 2 minutes	– Establishes equality for all members present. – Motivates members to expand on their response if it’s too brief. Members commonly share surface level response for 40 seconds, and then realize they have more time left + are expected to continue. – Motivates members to minimize monologuing beyond 2 minutes. – Maintains overall group Check In brevity.
f. Members pass the mic	– Creates an implied obligation for passing member to listen attentively. – Receiving member knows that a fellow member has chosen them to go next. – Members take responsibility for the experience and step into the process.
g. Non-audio reactions	– Allows speaker to feel listened to & receive information about how the group is receiving them. – Allows listeners to share their feelings (awe, shock, love, support, kinship) without distracting the speaker. – Concrete, visual representation of active listening. – Removes the obligation from a speaking member to respond to others reactions.

Intentional Design: Hot Seat

Hot Seat is the center of the Pace Method session, in more ways than one. Given Check In has guaranteed Participation by the group, Hot Seat is designed to maximize Depth from a single member in a short time of session (Brevity).

What Happens

Members are asked to each invite one member^h to be in the Hot Seat. They can invite themselves or even the host/facilitator.
Member receiving the most invitedⁱ is put into the Hot Seat – they will be asked questions by the group for 15 minutes^j.
- On the Pace platform, invites are anonymous^k.
They can decline to be on the Hot Seat, but usually they do not decline because they have received quite powerful permission^l by the group.
Members are prompted to ask questions, not comment^m themselves. They are additionally advised to ask progressively deepening “hard questions”ⁿ to the Hot Seat member.
Host/facilitator aims for an active pace^o – roughly one question every two minutes.
By default, host/facilitator transitions from Hot Seat by asking other members to relate^p what was discussed to their own lives.

Why It works

Active ingredient	Rationale
h. One member	– One person prioritized depth via one experience. – Maximizes probability the group reaches emotional depth that resonates with others in group. – Unique and novel experience of being the sole subject for a time.
i. Most invited	– Democratic mechanism that also helps identify what’s most relevant. – Makes group members collectively responsible for the direction of group.
j. 15 minutes	– Empirically, 10 minutes can be too short to reach thorough depth and, more importantly, for inquisitive members to ask the question they really want to ask. – Enough time for a balance of thoughtful questions & real answers. – Beyond 15 minutes can often lose group momentum and attention.
k. Anonymous invites	– Removes bias and self-perception from member’s choice.
l. Permission	– Members collectively provide implicit permission to the Hot Seat subject. – Commonly members are hesitant to “take up too much space”. This worry disappears with such permission.
m. Questions, not comments	– Questions limit advice-giving and decrease assumptions by the askers. – Questions operate sequentially which often naturally builds increased depth. – Provides a novel experience; unusual full focus of a group curious to learn about us or where we can ask questions for which we really want answers.
n. “Hard Questions”	– Sets expectation of no small talk and inauthentic conversations. – Provides permission to be curious & ask good questions. – Allows Hot Seat member more opportunities to gain new insights. – Builds trust when completing challenge as a group.
o. Active pace	– Goal is not to rush the member in Hot Seat, but to keep the momentum going. – Decrease wait time between questions that is socially ingrained, but not beneficial for authentic conversation.
p. Relate	– Other members will often ask themselves the same questions posed. – Most members will relate to at least one thing/emotion/situation a Hot Seat member shares, resulting in a sense of belonging & connection.

Intentional Design: Discuss

The majority of session time is spent in Discuss. Discuss can take many shapes and is fluid in nature. It is not unusual to see a group wordlessly transition into Discuss from Hot Seat, as a question elicits a specific dialogue between two members. It’s also not unusual to see a group choose to put a second member on the Hot Seat.

In many ways, the structured shape of Check In and Hot Seat simply nail together the frame of a canvas for Discuss. The momentum is used here – a space to relate, affirm, support, or share a different perspective.

What Happens

The aim is for Discuss to be 50% or more^q of the total session time
No one member holds the mic. The intention is for this to be a truly flexible group discussion^r. Most commonly, Discuss broadens the conversation thematically or individually. Also can be used to dive deeper into a specific theme that has been raised earlier.
Other members share their own experiences, reactions, and perspectives often by re-examining their own emotional histories. Thus often members cover this emotional relatability in a “show-not-tell”^s manner.
Questions, disclosures, musing are all appropriate for this space, as long as it is aiming for emotional content^t. Advice-giving and problem-solving are unusual for Pace, and individual hosts/facilitators/groups may have explicit rules about their suitability in group.
An experienced host/facilitator^u will utilize this time to pull common themes and feelings from the time together, and guide the group to adjacent discussion.
Groups that are meeting for the first time or have been long-running groups^v approach Discuss in the same way, though results may differ substantially.

Why It Works

Active ingredient	Rationale
q. Majority of time	– Leaves appropriate room for all group members to relate and address the conversation that has been uncovered. – Has time for circling back to other Check Ins or past conversations. – Creates room for occasional silence and the exploration of discomfort.
r. Flexible group discussion	– Hallmark of The Pace Method is a group conversation where everyone feels legitimately and thoroughly understood. Most likely when members are truly in dialogue. – Creates flexibility for hosts/facilitators to change direction or move conversation in a different direction.
s. “Show-not-tell”	– Discuss offers a baseline opportunity for members to not just communicate empathy by saying so, but also by showing so – sharing a related experience, etc. – General group focus on common human experiences, and sitting with them together.
t. Emotional content	– While problem solving and advice-giving are not totally forbidden, they do often trade off against human connection and are frowned upon.
u. Host/facilitator	– Discuss is often where the role of host/facilitator is most critical and where the impact of facilitator is most felt.
v. Long-running groups	– Groups that have met weekly and have covered substantial ground together are able to skip past story retelling and constant context setting. – Individual themes and consistent patterns are commonly noticed by other members in long-running groups.

Closing & Acknowledgements

As you utilize the Pace Method, on or off the platform, you’ll begin to develop an allergy to insincerity and small talk. Being real+honest, with others that do the same, opens your eyes to other parts of your life where you’re missing authentic connection.

Social connection is not something we can do alone or something that is accessible and equitable. At the end of the day, people need people.

The Pace Method is the result of the collective voices – thousands of members and professional facilitators. We want to thank each and every person who has ever attended a Pace session or spoken to a Pace team member – your belief in our mission and sense of adventure and compassion made this possible.

And to the first few generations of Pace facilitators who helped us design, redesign, and bring The Pace Method to life – thank you.It is from those conversations and learnings that we were able to codify the Pace Method into a consistent, live video experience that works for human connection.

We hope this inspires you to seek and find more real+honest conversation and understanding in your own life. There are people, in and out of your life today, who are ‘your people’ in that pursuit. We believe The Pace Method is a better way to speak and feel understood with them.

U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community
Pew Research Center: Demographics of Mobile Device Ownership and Adoption in the United States
Gallup Inc., Meta: The State of Social Connections. Washington D.C.: Gallup Inc.,; 2022.
Holt-Lunstad J, Robles TF, Sbarra DA. Advancing social connection as a public health priority in the United States. Am Psychol. 2017;72(6):517-530.